I’ve been noticing something about our daughter Sara.
She will be six months next week. Not sure where the time has gone. Or why it has to go so fast.
She is at that age where she is very much aware of her surroundings.
She knows when she is not home.
She knows when she is going somewhere.
She observes every single detail around her.
At times it excites her. But then there are times where she is not quite sure how to feel and it’s in those times she immediately locks her eyes with mine.
The second fear and anxiousness start to stir up inside her; she knows all she has to do is look at me.
She knows that keeping her focus on her mama will silence all the noise trying to scare her.
And I hear God saying, “Watch and learn what it means to trust Me.”
. . . . . . . . . .
There’s this life coach- writer- doctor who has asked thousands of people these three questions to help them figure out their number one goal in life.
If a genie granted you one wish, what would it be?
What would it do for your life?
How would it make you feel?
And a woman jumps on stage at one of his live events and tells him she wishes to win a million dollars.
She explains how it would pay off her bills, give her some breathing room, take off the pressure and allow her to go on a much needed vacation.
She tells him she would feel peace and he asks her, “Is it possible that what you really want more than anything is peace but you think that money is the only way to get it?”
His words hit the nail on the head real hard.
She covers her face and starts weeping and I think about how it’s what everyone really, really wants.
We all want peace. We all want our fears, our pain, and our anxieties to cease.
Whatever it is that we are facing right now, even if we are smiling on the outside but are tormented on the inside, we want the storm gone, we want relief.
. . . . . . . . . .
At a follow up doctor’s appointment I sit beside my dad and we discuss what medications can be eliminated and what lab work needs to be redone.
It’s 55 degrees outside.
Frigid cold for a Floridian.
Dark clouds have rolled in.
And his body has become sensitive to temperature dips and rainy forecasts.
A tingling sensation rolls back and forth throughout his entire right side and there is a sense of pressure on his face.
I can see the weariness in him just by the way he looks down at his hands.
When this kind of discomfort comes with cooler weather, it steals his joy, steals all confidence.
And his doctor. She sees it too. She doesn’t say it but the expression in her eyes says it all.
Everything in her wants to take his pain away.
As he looks at her and tries to explain how the paralysis comes in waves, days where it seems like the feeling is slowly returning and days where it’s back to square one, he asks “is this normal?”
It’s a question with no definite answer. At least not the answer he’s looking for.
Deep down he wants a precise time frame of when this will all stop or a guaranteed game plan that will accelerate his progress.
He’s looking straight at her and his eyes are desperate and she can’t give him any solace.
She nor anyone else on this side of heaven can take away the emotional turmoil inside of him.
“You’re getting there,” she says, “it takes time.”
She’s fighting back tears herself and he looks down at his hands again and I see he’s feeling deflated and my insides are screaming for God to show up.
. . . . . . . . . . .
It’s a little funny how we rely on the external.
We may say that we don’t but we do.
We feel our best when there is plenty of money in the bank account, marriage is flourishing, health is top notch, friends are amazing, kids are thriving.
We inhale and exhale with such ease and think it is peace.
But it’s not. What we are feeling is not unconditional peace.
And there is something a lot of people do when the days suddenly become uncertain.
They hold their breath.
They don’t allow themselves to breathe with that easiness that was once there. They absolutely refuse to until their circumstances change.
It was hard for me to do that when my dad collapsed. It was hard for the whole family.
Everything inside of us wound up into tiny little knots.
It’s what fear does. It ties you up in tiny little knots.
Then the enemy pulls on them, tighter and tighter to make sure they don’t ever unravel, ever untangle, so that you suffocate in your own pain.
And that is the one thing I have prayed against more than ever!
Yes I have begged for healing, I have declared every morning that my daddy will run again and swim again and drive again and throw his grandkids high up in the air again.
However I have also been begging for a peace which surpasses all understanding.
I close my eyes and picture it for a moment.
That no matter what comes, there is no agony, no torment.
Instead there is this calmness.
I want it!
I want it for my dad. I want God to pour it into every nook and cranny of his being.
Because this peace soothes the soul and the mind and the heart.
It obliterates every lie and all fear of the unknown.
And I want it.
You know how David in Psalm 121 writes “where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord!”
It makes me think of this question.
Where does our peace come from?
If it’s not coming from Jesus, then we are all in some serious trouble . . . . . . .